the horror

So, I guess I should try to write in this thing regularly, though I have no idea if anybody is reading it. It's 6:55 on Friday night...no work has gotten done. I'm kind of booked up for the weekend, so that means that I will now have Monday and Tuesday of next week to do research for a paper that deserves at least three weeks of research, before I start my job on Wednesday. I will then have to work 9-5 for the first time in five years(and y'all know how good I am with adjustments, so it should be smooth as silk) while trying to write this paper(which should take me weeks) by Sunday--so I can then, on Monday, start work on my qualifying papers without which I can't advance to official PhD status. Okay, boring generalized anxiety disorder portion of the blog over.

Here's why I didn't get any work done. JB had his first migraine today. I don't have any experience with this, but my dad's head did explode when I was six(thanks Big Ed, for always referring to your aneurysm in such a sensitive way), so I tend to get a bit, I don't know, petrified when people that I love show up at my apartment with really scary neurological symptoms. He said he couldn't see out of the corner of his eyes, he had "tunnel vision," so he left work and came to my apartment. By the time he got here, he had a blinding headache and was vomiting. Now, anybody who knows me knows that...you know, I can't even say it.....the thing that starts with the "v" is pretty much my favorite thing ever. As in, I've had a crippling phobia revolving around vomiting, anybody else vomiting, seeing vomiting in movies, hearing the word "vomit," for as long as I can remember(I've paid many therapists to tell me that this is because my father vomited when he had his aneurysm, but I don't really buy that). Anywho, I'm here, in the fetal position, in my apartment, listening to my boyfriend get sick through the bathroom door, knowing his head feels like it's about to explode...and I will say, wondering if I'm about to go through the same ordeal that my mother went through 21 years ago. It helped that mammy was home today and that she's suffered from migraines and could clearly identify what was going on, but I could hear the fear even in her voice...if it got worse, we would have to go to the hospital. I could tell she was reliving that night. Luckily, after he'd gotten sick enough to let the nausea subside so he could get to sleep, he was cured--apparently that's all you need when you have a migraine, a couple hours of sleep and you feel like nothing has ever happened. However, today made me realize a number of things. 1. I have seen far too many horrible things happen to people who were far too young to have these horrible things happening(is this a sentence?) to not want to go to the hospital at the drop of a hat. 2. I am slowly closing in on being old enough to have to deal with horrible things happening to people I love, at least, if my history is any indication. 3. I really can't have children, because I really won't be able to take care of them if they get sick. The only reason I could take care of JB was because I knew he didn't have a virus. I am a horrible, selfish, phobic person who will remain childless solely because she fears....you know, that "v" thing. 4. The saddest part is that this is, by far, not the craziest thing about me. Not by a long shot. Y'all know it's true.